Forgive me my darling
Forgive me for my night terrors
Forgive me for crying myself to sleep
Believe me when I say I love you and this has nothing to do with you
For you see a year ago,
I was taking a shower and coming to terms with losing my hair, when I started to cry I was comforted by the man who now haunts my dreams.
He said he would love me regardless of how I looked with or without hair and told me I am the only girl who his knowns that will look beautiful bald anyway, and just like that I was no longer sadden by losing my hair.
Now you see it had been a long day and he had been drinking from the night before so I thought maybe we should order some food and let it be delivered to us but he had other plans
When I told him that the drinking had to stop, he insisted that he was fine and that another bottle won’t hurt. But it did, it still hurts till now
We argued the whole way there and back, I told him to stop drinking but instead he bought another bottle. When we got home I smashed the bottle of southern comfort praying to god that, that would deter him from drinking himself to death that night instead that drove the nail to the already prepared coffin.
For you see when I got out of the car he went back in and drove off to get another bottle I waited outside in the rain with the food we were meant to have for dinner.
If I knew then what I know now my darling I won’t be where I am today
I have never seen a person be so calm and dangerous at the same time as I saw him that night I entered what was the room had shared many naps and sweet dreams together for the last time and changed into warm cloths and comforted myself into bed.
I saw him pacing up and down the house, little did I know what was going to happen next
He came into the room and turned me over to tell me how I should never interfered with his drinking
How alcohol has been his only friend, and when his down alcohol is who he relies on.
But I was tired, tonight was too much I wasn’t having it anymore
So I spoke up and I told him
“Maybe if you didn’t drink so much you won’t be getting in bad situations, which leads you to feeling bad for yourself and turning back to the bottle”.
By the time I could finish what I was saying
I had already had a slap to the face and I was being pulled out of the bed and dragged to the living room by my legs
In an instant I found my jumper ripped by the collar and wearing nothing but my underwear standing outside on a deck in backyard covered in trees and bush, on the foot of a hill on a cold Melbourne winters night with rain pouring down.
Catching what was left of my breath I cried and cried whiles pleaded with him to let me in he refused then he got up went to the kitchen filled up a blender with cold water and threw it on my face not once but twice.
It’s not hard to remember that feeling of shame and utter disbelief that the person you love is doing this to you. I sat on the deck cold and wet with tears running down my face asking him to
“Please just open the door its cold, let me in so I can grab my bag and go home, let me go home please”.
He sat in front of me and laughed then laid on the couch looking at the ceiling, I knew at the point he was going to leave me outside in the cold overnight and there is nothing I could do about it but to break the door and go in and get my bag and run out of the house as fast as I can.
I broke the glass door and watched as the glass smashed everywhere, I ran as fast as I could to grab my bag and head straight for the front door but I was late he was already up and coming towards me
I will never forget his face as he was clapping and walking towards me in the room telling me how brilliant that was, but too bad I’m going to have to pay for that, that tonight was the night he was going to put me to sleep, that he was going to hurt me but not in a normal way but in a sadistic painful way.
I remember just think to myself that today is mother’s day and my mom is going to get a phone call saying that her daughter is dead but I couldn’t let that sink into much because if I can just bypass him and get to the front door I will be alright this will all be over
He was getting closer and closer and I remember him just saying
“I’m going to kill you tonight, M I’m going to put you to sleep”
I didn’t even make out of the bedroom door with my bag
BOOM my first black out for the night
Gasping for air so hard I could hear my own heart beat in my ears, my vision is blurry but I can see him hovering over me, in the quick second I check if I was dead or alive and I made it I was alive. I picked myself up again and tried to run to the front door to then realising that he had locked the front door with the key that was nowhere in sight. That’s when it hit me that it was going to be a long night and that terrifying thought of my mother receiving a call in the middle of the night saying her daughter had been in a fight with her a estranged boyfriend that she didn’t even know and that I was found dead in his house was becoming a reality over and over again
BANG to the floor again with kicks to the stomach and him sitting on top of me this time with so much hate and anger in his eyes, it was someone doing this to me not the boy I loved
BOOM my second blackout this longer then the first
When you get hurt in your dreams it doesn’t hurt so I knew I wasn’t dreaming the pain was too real to be sleeping
with blood coming down from my mouth and smashed glass everywhere I got back up and saw the broom next to the door and grabbed it and stood in the Conner hoping to protect myself from him this time.
He came towards me, with the broom in my hands telling him I was going to us it if he came any closer
He said to me
“are going to try to hit me, hit me M”
I shouted with all the power and might left in me
“Look what you are doing, you know I am sick, why are you doing this, you told me you had my back but look what you have done”.
“You need to go M
You need to go home
I don’t want to be with you anymore”
“I’m not going home you did this, I didn’t do this, all I wanted was for you to stop drinking”
Blood and tears rolling down my face as the police bashed the door in
So my darling forgive me for my night terrors
Forgive me that I don’t like to be hugged
Forgive me for I cry in my sleep up till now a year later
And believe me when I say that I have been through it all and where I was a year ago is not where I am now.
Believe me when I say I am truly trying to stop these night terrors
our past is what makes us who we are
I AM NOT A VICTIM, I REFUSE TO BE