I’m going to write my story.
I’m going to tell my story, so people know that they are not alone.
Write a blog;
Start a blog.
Just write Mariam.
Write about how you feel now right about how you felt then, Mariam, just write.
So here I am;
It’s Wednesday the 7th of June 2016. Three days from now it is a month since the night my world got turned upside down and inside out by the man I loved.
To be honest I never thought I was in an abusive relationship. I didn’t pay attention to the signs. I brushed everything under the carpet because I was in love with the potential of what he could be, which in all honesty is like chasing a dream.
The person I was with was a master of his craft he knew exactly what to say and how to say it. He knew what to do and how to do it. He had me in his hands and he knew it.
I have been through a lot in my life so far but I have never been through something like this.
I’m one of those people that when something happens to me I have to keep busy. I need to be distracted long enough to not think because once I start thinking I make myself sick so the first two weeks that’s what I did. I kept busy.
I was in hospital for two days due to the injuries I sustained from that night; and due to the fact that my now ex boyfriend (who for the purpose of the blog we shall call “dave “) was on the run from the police and my safety was compromised.
When I got home I had some friends stay with me. I did everything in my power to not think about what was going on but I couldn’t forget. I cried the moment I walked through my front door.
I struggled to eat for a month.
Music that I used to listen to didn’t feel and sound the same. I couldn’t watch TV because there was nothing that interested me. I obsessed over pictures of us. I would watch old videos but the one thing I couldn’t do was sleep. When night came I felt anxious. I felt nervous every second. I didn’t want to sleep because that was the only time by brain could actually process my emotions and thoughts and I hated it. I woke up worried. I could barely eat. I was a functioning MESS.
Then I cried.
Now mind you, I am a very strong person and being a very strong person comes with a whole heap of emotions I’m not the best at showing.
It was a Friday afternoon and it had been 5 days since the incident happened and I remember just wanting to go home. I had been at my friend Carolyn’s house with her amazing supportive family and friends. She had distracted me enough so I decided to walk from her place to mine by the way it was a 45mins walk from North Fitzroy to Lonsdale Street. You see that’s how much of a mess I was, I just walked and on this walk I cried. Lord knows I opened the flood-gates and I cried. I cried so much I had to stop and continuously tell myself “I was going to be ok” and that “this will all sort itself out”. I had to tell myself “I’m ok, I’m ok, I’m ok”. It was the only way I was going to get myself home.
I had to cry.
I cried that afternoon because I was coming to terms with what had happened to me.
I cried because I knew that although I had a great support network I knew I had to face this on my own now.
I cried that day because this is not what I saw coming. He (Dave) was my best friend, he was my favourite person in the whole world and now I’m losing him. Not because he died but because he had been drinking for two days and physically assaulted me.
But lastly I cried because I felt disappointed.
So after I cried I locked and barricaded myself in my apartment. I didn’t have the emotional courage to get myself to do anything, so I spent another week in my pyjamas sleeping.
I slept the whole day and was awake the whole night.
I refused to pick up calls or reply to messages. I lost all sense of day and night.
I would wake up from a dream and touch my bed and of course he wasn’t there. I was so emotionally drained that at times I couldn’t even stand up in the shower. I would sit in the dark because I didn’t want to see his toothbrush next to mine, standing in the cup.
I was a mess! But I recognised the mess I was in and I SPOKE OUT! I shared with other friends what was happening with me. And each time I felt low and I talked about it, it made the pain go away, slowly.
Oh the three week stretch…
I have known “Dave” for two years now. We met at Soulfest music festival. We bonded and hung out and danced and laugh together for over seven hours.
We added each other on Facebook and at the end of that day I went my way, and he went his.
I went traveling the summer of 2014. The next time we got in contact was when he messaged me on my birthday wishing me happy birthday and asked how I was. We spoke for over an hour and we ended on the note that we would catch up, which we didn’t get to do until July 23 ,2015. We spent the whole day together just as friends, but truthfully we were complete strangers. We had only met once before that but it was as if I had known him for a lifetime. We were friends until November when we had a boozy night out at a Spanish festival that led to us having sex.
Just like that, he went from ‘complete stranger’ to literally spending every Saturday together for the last 9 months. For the last 4 months we had practically lived in each other pockets, we maybe spent on an average 1-2 days away from each other so I was extremely attached to him.
I don’t even know how to be alone even if I tried. The weekends were the worst I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Fast forward to after that night. I feel as if something was missing in my day. Something didn’t feel right and that something was the absence of him. TIME doesn’t care for us, time just keeps going, and it’s up to us to keep up with it or risk been left behind.
That’s what the third week felt like. I was behind on things I started to think; and boy was that dangerous. I started to question everything. I got angry. I thought some more. I laid in bed with no inspiration to leave the four walls of my apartment, so I slept and woke up and slept woke up and eventually I would sleep three times in one day. The days were going so slow, and the thoughts were getting deeper and anxiety and depression made itself at home underneath my broken heart.
The beginning of the end
I loved and trusted “Dave” very much.
I loved him more then he loved me because I saw something in him I thought was good .I saw potential and just like everyone that has gone through domestic violence you feel as if you can fix them or you can try to help them. But we are no responsible for others, if someone wants to change they will change, they will learn to fix themselves. My biggest regret was I tried to fix someone broken that couldn’t see fault in anything he did.
I was with someone that had a gambling and drinking problem. I was with someone running from their past wanting to be a new “nicer”, “better” person, but won’t let go of his past life. He lived in two worlds that were so exhausting and energy draining. I couldn’t be the girl he wanted, the submissive type the one that didn’t question him. WEAK PEOPLE WILL TRY TO BRING STRONG PEOPLE DOWN! He found my weaknesses and used them against me. He knew I loved him, I told him everyday and he tried to tell me that “LOVE ISNT ENOUGH”
Show me! TREAT ME! WITH LOVE AND RESPECT!
The beginning of the end came quick and fast and hard.
We still have a pending court case, so moving on is so much harder and different to say, if we had broken up amicable terms, but this is different, it’s hard.
All of a sudden this person you love and trust has hurt you. This person is in a lot trouble, facing jail time.
A whole lot of you loves this person…
A whole lot of you cares for this person…
A whole heart is telling you to save them from this, BUT YOU CANNOT!
You have done a lot to be with that person up to that stage, but as soon as someone tries to hurt you, you need to stand up for yourself and say enough is enough. No matter how many times you think about it and you question yourself the answer is “YES YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!” It may be hard at first, but you’re on the right path.
I must say I could not have come up with the idea of sharing my story if I had not reached this stage, and of course you know I had to have a massive cry to clear my head.
I am excited!
I’m excited for the future…
I’m excited for my next love who ever it may be…
I’m excited for me new adventures and honestly that is what keeping me going day by day.
edited by: Imogen Ellen Williams